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the approach

Now that you've figured out what you are looking for, you understand that women are individuals and the same "line" won't work for all of them, you've figured out where to go to find the right woman for you, and you've spotted someone who attracts your interest. Your next step is to approach her.

The approach that you use will differ based upon the situation that you are in, but there are a few pointers that apply to all situations.

  • Figure out something that applies to the environment your lady is in (more in a moment).
  • Choose a question that fits the environment. Your question can NOT be a yes/no question.
  • Think of another question!! If you can, think of 3 questions.
  • Rehearse what you are going to say in advance.

The questions must apply to her environment because 1) they will sound natural and not a line and 2) they give you a natural lead in to a conversation. The reason you think of 3 questions is 1) three questions will give you a chance to keep the conversation going and 2) it is enough for you to judge if she is at all interested.

That last point is important. If she turns away, or doesn't really answer, then she's not interested. Just smile and say "Nice talking to you" and leave. Hanging around and pestering her will not work.

Let's consider the situation where the woman you are interested in is one that you see on a regular basis -- in a club, or in class, or something like that. This is the best situation because you can get to know her first in the environment you share. Let's say you are both in a mountain biking club. The first thing you do is say "Hi" and introduce yourself. Now you can ask your questions. One of your questions can be "How long have you been biking?" Another question could be about her bike or other piece of equipment. A third question could be "Have you done any races?". This question works because, even though it is a yes/no question, you can follow the question up with "What races?" or "Are you planning on doing any races soon?"

The other good this about the situation where you see her on a regular basis is that you can try for friendship first. If you approach her with the attitude of "let's just get to know each other as friends", you will feel a lot less pressure than if you are thinking you have to win her over as the love of your life. Seeing her on a regular basis will give her time to get to know you, too, and see whether or not you are some kind of weirdo. Women have to be careful, so don't pressure her.

The other situation is one where you see someone whom you've never seen before and probably won't see again, perhaps in a bar or club. In this case, you have to be observant and think fast. What is she doing that you can talk about? If she is drinking a particular drink, what can you ask her about regarding her drink? If it is an imported beer, for example,you may want to ask her what she thinks about it. Depending upon her answer, you could perhaps ask if she's tried another variety and if she hasn't perhaps offer to buy her one. Then you could discuss the merits of the other beer. If a particular band is playing, talk about the music. Or if there is something on TV that she is watching, you could talk about that.

Whatever you do, don't use "lines". Don't tell her she's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. Don't ask her what her sign is. Don't ask her if she "comes here often". You've got to think of something original and specific to her. See what she is doing or what environment she is in (watching the game on TV, drinking a beer, whatever) and talk about that.

Once again, if she seems uninterested, just tell her it was nice talking to her, then leave her alone. Why waste your time with someone who isn't interested?

In either situation, if your conversation is going well -- that is she smiles at you, looks at you, asks her own questions, and actually talks -- then you can decide if you want to ask her out or ask for her phone number (or email address). You may want to say something like, "I've really enjoyed talking to you and would like to see you again. May I have your phone number?" (Or, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me?")

A few other points...

What if you are the kind of guy who falls apart even at the thought of talking to woman, much less approaching her? You need to build up some "woman-skills" first. You need to be comfortable talking to women before you even try to approach one for a date. You have to put yourself in a "program" where you progressively interact more and more with women.

In your case, join an organization where there will be women and make an effort to just talk to them. Don't try to ask them out. Don't even think about it. Tell yourself that you're going to talk to one woman each time the club meets, even if at first all you can do is say "Hi". Work your way up to asking one question. For example, using the mountain biking club situation, "How do you like your bike?" After the answer, maybe you can think of more to say, but if you can't, just nod and say, "thanks". At the next meeting, make it your goal to ask two questions of a different woman. After a few meetings, make a point of talking to a couple of the women. Practice will help you! So make an effort and stick with it.

If you are fairly comfortable talking to women but the thought of asking one out for a date gets you all nervous, rehearse your question in advance. And pick a simple date. Don't get elaborate -- do NOT make the date a grand occasion. That will just make you more nervous. Let's say you decide to ask her out to lunch. Pick up the phone, say "Hi", ask her how she is, then say, "Would you like to join me for lunch on Saturday?" That's it. And if you rehearse ahead of time, you should be able to blurt it out, even though your heart is pounding. Expect the pounding. It's OK. If she says "no", say, "Well, maybe another time. Talk to you later," and end the conversation. IF she says "yes", say, "Great!" and give her the details (time, etc.)

Let's review some mistakes you don't want to make.

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